Dreams
by dispatchNA
Summary: No matter what, we will always have our dreams. (Slash warning)
1. Dream 1

WARNINGS:  
-I have no idea how many parts will be added; maybe one, maybe ten.  
-THIS FIC IS VERY SLASHY. If you do not approve of relationships that involve two people of the same sex (which is slash), then please do not read this or write hateful reviews.

Disclaimer: "This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended."

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DREAMS

Sometimes I dream...

_You stare into my eyes and I swear that there's something else in that storm that brews behind your eyes besides hate and disgust but I just can't tell from so far away. Maybe if I just reach out and brush that piece of hair away, maybe then I'll understand, and there's a little smile in the right corner of your mouth and... _

_Another snide remark, but I only smile these days because somehow I know that your insults only hang between us because it's expected, so I'll let it go for now. And they appreciate it with a little laugh and others think for a minute that I'm clenching my fists because I'm going to hit you, but one of these days I'll push that remark aside and take you in my arms and I... _

_In the infamous Great Hall and I'm talking to others but I can tell you're walking behind me, and out of the corner of my eye I can see you're looking at me and it's all I can do to stop myself from turning around and smiling at you because that remark still stands between us, but I'm sure you realize that it doesn't have to be there either, and I think... _

_So it's finally happened, but for some reason I don't feel like you're there and while you hold my hand in an empty hallway I can't help but wonder why the snide remark's still hanging around and I wouldn't be able to say for certain that you would keep holding my hand if we walked into the Great Hall right now and I think I... _

_And then you made me promise to meet you in the dark after everyone was warm and safe in their rooms and there were no insults to be found around us and all we did was talk and we called each other by our first names and it felt so awkwardly wonderful and you still had a little smile in the right corner of your mouth, but this time it was just for me and no one else, and you let me reach out and brush that piece of hair away and I think I am... _

_I didn't know how to react at the Quidditch game and when I caught the Snitch you only cursed once and then you smiled and I knew it was alright. And when everyone else had left to celebrate, we stuck around and you flew with me and I swear I had never felt so right in my life, and with your arms around me you whispered in my ear that you loved me and as we sharply dived down to earth at the speed of love you screamed and I think I am falling..._

Fin.


	2. Dream 2

A/N: Still slashy goodness. Hope y'all have been entertained so far...

disclaimer

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DREAMS 

Sometimes I dream…

_Such an idiot, you're standing right in front of the lake, and if the Squid reaches out and pulls you in I'll laugh – I think – but it's so cold out and you only have on your robes and who knows how long you've been out there and…_

_You're with you damn friends again and I think I could kill them for never leaving you alone but your eyes are trying to tell me something and I'm so aggravated because I just don't understand where you're coming from when I feel you staring at me in class and I…_

_I could kiss Snape for pairing us together but suddenly you're very cool towards me so I'll just chop up the spleens but then later on why is it that when I realize I took one of your books I don't think of how I can use this to my advantage but rather whether or not you bite your lip when you're frustrated and if you're doing it right now and I do…_

_I told you…something along the lines of 'I love you', but you still seem troubled and all I can do is smile because I think it might actually be true, but a Malfoy doesn't say such a thing unless drunk or threatened, and even then there's hesitation, but I don't want to hesitate because good lord your eyes frighten me in a way I've never felt and I really like it and I hate to say it but the word 'giddy' comes up in my head and I do believe…_

_Rendezvous has never meant so much to me when I see first your adorably messy hair and then your face and then all of you when the cloak comes off and we're by the lake after dark right where I had seen you only a few weeks ago except that this time I'm with you and you're smiling at me and then we're holding hands, as cliché as it sounds, and just staring at the moon, except that I'm really staring at first your hair and honestly thinking of how to fix it and then I'm staring into your eyes as they close and our lips meet and I believe I've…_

_My stomach stayed on the ground when you kicked up, your broom carrying both our weight as we soar away from everyone and everything else and I smirk when I see people from below look up and I know they're wondering what the hell we think we're doing in our festive green and red Quidditch robes but I don't care right now because I have you and we're together and you're trying to look back and smiling at me while at the same time not run us into the forest so I lean up and, screw being a Malfoy, tell you finally that I love you and then we're suddenly dangerously vertical and it's too much and I scream my pledge to the still-staring students and I do believe I've fallen…_

Fin.


	3. Dream 3

A/N: Surprise, surprise...another chapter! I hate to say it, but this time there is no slash. Sad. The next chapter won't be slashy either. But it'll come back soon again, my loves!

Oh...and insert disclaimer here

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DREAMS 

Sometimes I dream of your smile…

_We've being walking for an hour because you're determined to finally walk around the entire damn lake and it's been so hard for me to keep my mouth shut when all I want to do is tell you how much I…well, it doesn't matter anyway, since you seem obsessed enough with, out of anyone in the entire school, Malfoy, and I…_

_I had never guessed that you were gay until you closed one of my books and gave me one of those pointed stares with your dangerously deep bottle green eyes and then flat out told me and I don't think I could have been more surprised and my hands were shaking ever so slightly and I couldn't tell whether it was from the news or from how gently you were holding my hands, just like a brother, and I don't…_

_You just can't shut up and leave a girl to her books, can you, with your animated chatting everywhere we go about your sweet Draco; I don't know who I want to punch more, Ron for commenting so loudly how gross it is, Draco for stealing you, or you for not noticing me anymore, and I feel like an absolute idiot but I just can't help it because even after talking about your latest love for the past hour, I can't help but smile when you turn those eyes on me and your nearly breathless with anticipation and I don't want…_

_I think you've finally noticed that something's wrong with me because you're suddenly so quiet at dinner and it's so unusual after months of you and your words reeking of puppy love that I just have to ask you what's wrong one evening because of course in the end I can never keep my mouth shut, and you tell me that you're worried for me and I'm getting this 'pang' feeling right below my ribs and then you tell me that Draco said he'd noticed I was acting strange and you ask me what's wrong and I put on the bravest face I can manage (I'm in Gryffindor, after all) and tell you that I'm just stressed out and maybe we should take a break and play a game of chess and I don't want to…_

_The winter is very adamant in its revenge for my jealousy as I stare at you and a certain Slytherin as you two chops up spleens and you are so close and I'm so faraway with dependable Ron and as his hand brushes against mine I remember how close his lips had been, and how hot his breath had been last night when he told me that he liked me and I had honestly not expected it and yes, I had kissed him, and now I'm confused because, damnit, you're gay and I am therefore most definitely not your type but I can't think logically in this kind of situation so I refuse to look anywhere but one inch below your tragic scar into your eyes, except that once you look back at me I either cringe or blush, depending on your degree of happiness, and I don't want to lose…_

_And then it's summer and I realize I've only got one more year with you, and in all likelihood it will be less than that because as wonderful as you are, you're only a boy and Voldemort isn't even human anymore and just when I get the ingenious idea that maybe you'd want to come over during the summer you tell me happily about how Draco's father had allowed him to invite you to the infamous Malfoy Manor, and I'm left there wondering why everyone thinks I'm so smart when I hadn't thought of inviting him somewhere until now while you go check on Hedwig and I hope to every deity I can think of that you'll at least remember to reply to my letters because I will spend the entire summer waiting, thinking of you so that maybe it will be less painful when you're taken away from me by Draco or Voldemort or a simple curse and I don't want to lose you…_

Fin.


	4. Dream 4

AN: Still no slash; that'll come up next.Reviews are, of course, always welcome.

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Sometimes I dream that everything was different… 

_You will love me one of these days because love is contagious, I think, and I love you so much that it hurts when I see you staring at him because I know that if I could transfer your love for the Boy Who Lived to me, then everything would be fine, and I wouldn't even mind that he's suddenly not only gay, but with Malfoy, because that means that he's not available to you and that's quite okay with me, and…_

_I think it really is love because we've known each other for years, and we've always been friends but not in the way I'm friends with other girls, and every once in awhile you'll grasp my hand or lean your head on my shoulders and I feel like my skin is on fire when you move away and I've never been in love so I can't tell if this is what it's like but I'll be damned if t isn't close and I never mentioned it because what if I was wrong but now it's getting close to unbearable as you smile or study or talking over breakfast and I…_

_Good god, you look beautiful by the fire, and I'm willing to actually sit down and study because you've offered to help me review Herbology, and right now you'd think Herbology was my best and favorite class because I'm hanging onto your every word, but I still notice when your eyes move over to him as you pronounce a particularly complicated Latin term and that's when it hits me and with this sad epiphany I make a quiet excuse and go to lie down and you've barely nodded your head before you're off to greet Harry and more than likely help him with his Herbology and I only…_

_So I'm lying in bed, sad, full of understanding that I didn't want or ask for, and then I'm at breakfast and you're actually talking to me, telling me to have some more toast because I've barely touched anything, but while I still feel that same 'pang' right under my ribs, I know that it means just about nothing, and as I get up I see the two love birds of Gryffindor and Slytherin lock eyes from across the room and all of a sudden I'm determined to make you realize how much I really love you because maybe I've been mistaken and you're just looking for love from anyone, and once I tell you, you'll realize that you do like me, and you'll forget about him, and I only live…_

_So I've checked with him and I know that he'll be far from the Gryffindor towers, hidden in a dungeon and definitely not thinking about you, and my plan is all set and I can just picture your smile as I tell you, and then you're here and you look very agitated but I'll let that pass because we all have bad days, and I take you into a corner where not even my brothers can see us, and in a rush of elation and anxiety and endless 'pangs' I tell you, and in my mind you're smiling so hard and then pulling me down for our very first kiss, but in real life you seemed shocked, and I don't want to ever let go of that idea that you could want this, so I lean down and pause an inch away from you, letting you know I'm there and giving you a chance to break my heart, but you don't and we kiss and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world because we're the ones kissing and I only live for…_

_The train's loading and I'm as happy as Niffler surrounded by gold because you are with me and you haven't broken my heart yet which must mean that you really do love me and you're just not as vocal about your feelings, but no matter what you're over him because you're with me, and Mum owled me back saying you could come stay at the Burrow over summer, and as I approach I hear him tell you that he's going to his boyfriend's house and I turn to you to extend my offer and although I try, I try so hard that my throat clenches, I can't help but notice how sad you look, and your eyes, as beautiful as they are, seem to reflect how I felt that night when I thought you didn't love me and it's then that I realize that you didn't and don't love me and no matter how hard you tried you really did break my heart and now I need to think up an excuse because I'm standing in front of you, almost in tears, but then you turn away and I realize that you didn't even notice me and I only live for you…_


	5. Dream 5

So this is femslash. What's femslash, you ask? Why, it's slash, but with two females instead of two males. I know that not many people like this. However, I had never tried to write femslash before, and wanted to see how it turned out. So please let me know if it's alright! 

Also: I'm running out of pairings. I wanna get some new, fresh faces in here, and that's where YOU come in! If you've enjoyed the fic so far, please tell me (via review) what pairings or people you'd like to see in it, and I'll see what I can do. Thanks!

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DREAMS

Sometimes I dream you notice…

_Your hands have always been what still pull me in, even now, as I watch you talking to Harry and Ron a few feet away at the unbearably crowded Gryffindor table, and I wonder how it would feel to have those incredible hands running through my hair as we kiss, and I sigh because I know that I'm the last person on earth that should love you, and now there have been those rumors and I…_

_I think someone has it out for me because every time I see you I can't help but blush redder than Ron and after I calm down you've already left and I'm left here with all of these witty comments suddenly crowding in my head but they don't do me much good now and it's practically torture because I only see you at meals or in the common room when you take on the painfully distant role of sister as you help me with homework and apparently those rumors are true and you're in love with Harry which squashes any hope for me and I wish…_

_You're the one I cling to when we're hanging out with everyone else because everyone else consists of half of the males in Gryffindor and no one else because to be very blunt, Patil and Brown aren't my type, and you don't mind when I stick to your side like the little sister you call me and the lover I wish I was, and every once in awhile I'll fake fatigue and you'll let me rest my head on your shoulder and lean into you and you take my weight on your side and good god I feel like I melt into you and even with those damn rumors and your eyes focused on Harry while his back is turned I feel safe and just a little less jealous because even though you want him, I have you, even if it's just for now and I wish you…_

_  
I've always been okay with admiring from a distance, because even with my head on your shoulder and my eyes watching your hands grip a quill firmly, I'm watching from a distance, and I realized a long time ago that no matter what my preference is, you will only be a hope, a dream, that I cherish because there is no way in Hell or Hogwarts that my sweetest dream will ever become a reality, so I subjected myself to the horrible and guilty pleasure that comes with unreciprocated love, but sometimes, despite the facts I've faced, I hope that one day, maybe today, or tomorrow, you will suddenly realize how we are so much more than friends, or sisters, and then I will be able to finally live, because up to now I've just been waiting, and waiting is okay but after awhile you need more, and I wish you had…_

_It's been a rollercoaster these past few days as I hear first about Harry and none other than Draco Malfoy, and it's unexpected but not exactly sad because I'm the one who automatically comforts you, and then Ron, god damn him, takes you into a corner and I can't help but watch because from this distance you're still breathtakingly beautiful, but now you seem a little agitated and I'm trying to decide whether or not to go over there and pull you away when my brother's lips are on yours and I'm frozen in place, watching you in terror and waiting for you to pull away because I know you like Harry and that's okay because you can't have him but if you like my brother and just never told me then I'm in trouble and even now I feel like I can't breathe and my nose is stinging and I'm trying to will myself not to cry but I can feel my eyes watering and everything's getting blurry so I wipe my eyes, knowing now that my entire face is probably red from crying and the only thing to do is slip away and I wish you had noticed…_

_It's funny how fast time goes by, even at a distance, and I curse myself for not talking to you before, but now it's too late because you and Ron and Harry are all gone forever as soon as you finally take your seat on the train and as much as I love you you're a friend first and I know when I see you that I won't be sitting next to you on the train because you will want to be with your boyfriend and your love and there's no room in there for any more emotions, especially from a little girl who is hopelessly in love, and when I sit down next to sweet, reliable Neville in an empty car, he tells me he's sorry and I'm wondering what he means when he's leaning over me and I feel his lips right at the corner of my mouth and I'm frozen because I have no idea what to do and he seems to realize why I'm so tense and I can hear him sigh, and it's one of the saddest sounds in the world, and I close my eyes because it's just too damn much and now he's leaving and I'm alone in this godforsaken car and I'm still admiring the way you must be laughing right now at something said, even though it's impossible to see you through my blurry, water-filled eyes and the doors and walls and hopefully someday I'll be able to stop crying for you and I wish you had noticed me…_


	6. Dream 6

AN: Thischapter is a little graphic. There is implied cutting and suicide, so if you're not comfortablewith that, don't read. If you are comfortable, PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks!

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DREAMS

Sometimes I dream you were here…

_It had seemed like such a trivial thing, the tournament, at least compared to what happened at the end, even though it was really huge, but in truth it was bigger than either of us could have imagined and I'm sorry because I know you don't like it when people cry over you but if only, if only you hadn't been so wonderful or so vulnerable, and if only you had let it all go and lost and then you would have been sad but alive and we would have been together and together we would have supported Harry and I wouldn't have to replace you with Harry because he is such a dear and in a way he reminds me of you and your endless courage and love and God I miss you and…_

_I've lost Harry too, now, and I think I've been labeled crazy because I started laughing today in Divinations because I saw what I could have sworn to be a flashlight in my tea cup and I remembered that joke you told me during Hogsmeade that one time and it hurt so badly to laugh and it felt to foreign, so harsh, in my ears that I started crying again, and then I couldn't breathe and that part wasn't bad or foreign, and it didn't hurt not to breathe because I could only imagine that this is you everyday now, and when I finally could breathe again, in the hospital wing, my lungs felt like they were on fire and I held my breath to try and get that feeling – your feeling – back, but I couldn't, and I…_

_So I've gotten kicked off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because I didn't show up to practice for the past few weeks but I'm sort of relieved because I just couldn't concentrate because each turn I took and each time I shot forward there was another memory of a game against you, and each of those memories comes with a wink from you to me or a smile, you know, the ones that always made me melt, and then it's too hard to concentrate any more and it only made my teammates mad at me, so I can't say I'm too sad, and Love, I've got a confession to make but I'm scared to say it out loud or write it where someone else can read it, but I'm frightened, really frightened, and I can…_

_I laughed out loud again just now because I've realized that you've, in a way, become my diary, and it's so obvious that nowadays you are the only one who I can trust, which is very depressing, but even more depressing is the fact that no one paid me any mind when I laughed, as if they're used to it now, and I mean I know I've been acting differently these days, but I hope they didn't expect me to stay my old chipper self after you left, and it's taken me awhile to decide but I think you should know that my arm hurts, my right arm, and when I woke up this morning there were these little nicks right below my wrist, and I've heard about such a thing, but see, I don't remember ever doing this to myself, so I'm scared, but I'm not scared because of the nicks but because I don't care about them, and I don't see a reason why I should figure out where they're coming from, and I can not…_

_I got called out of Transfiguration today and McGonagall herself – oh, I'm absolutely shaking in my panties – took me to see Headmaster Beard Man, and when I got to his office Dad was there too and that's when I actually got a little nervous and Dumbledore was being quite nice but, as always, Daddy was cold as anything, and you'd think he'd show some compassion after what happened to you, but I don't know if anyone's even told him about it yet, he's been away all the time, but then Dumbledore told me as Daddy looked down at his hands that Mum killed herself and they want me to leave Hogwarts for awhile and I was actually about to agree when Dumbledore decided he was sympathetic enough to tell me that he understood what I was going through and I nearly throttled him on the spot because he has no idea what it was like to lose you, and you meant everything to me and the only thing that kept me from screaming was the realization that he was talking about Mum's death, not yours, and I can not live…_

_They've given me another week before I'm off, which is sort of stupid since there's only a fortnight left in the school year, but what's more interesting is that now I seem to be the one at school to avoid, and all my old friends have bonded and left me out, but I'm okay with that because right now I'm your friend, and we're the only ones we have left, because everyone, even Dumbledore, has obviously forgotten about you, but of course Malfoy, his boy toy Potter– I can't believe I actually thought he'd be a replacement for you - at his side, has yet to cease the jokes, and this morning he was wearing one of the old badges the Slytherins made for you, and I'm sorry if it disappoints you but I couldn't hurt him, or yell at him, because I was trying to hard not to cry, and I think I was staring at him far too long because after I had overcome my tears I noticed that he had taken off the badge and actually looked a little wary of me, and I could have laughed out loud again except that I know you'd disapprove, so I just stayed quiet but I'm beginning to understand why people won't talk to me anymore, but it's okay because they only talked but you, my Love, you always listen to me, and I truly do love you and I'd do anything to bring you back, I'd do anything to be with you again, and I can not live without…_

_I've said goodbye to those who don't run away from me, and my luggage has already been taken home and when I woke up this morning there were more of those nicks, but there were also these really long cuts up and down my arm, all the way to my elbow, and one of them was still pulsing blood and there was blood on my sheets and I was actually thankful that I was leaving because if someone else is doing this to me, they won't be able to anymore, and if it's me doing this, then at least I'll be able to do it consciously and not wait until everyone's fallen asleep, myself included, and who knows, maybe it feels good and that's why I keep doing it, and maybe it'll help in the end – after all, if Mum had the guts to leave Daddy, I should have the guts to find you again, and my eyes hurt and when I looked in the mirror after cleaning up my arm I realized that there was something wrong, something red, about my eyes, and then I realized that it was dried blood but even after I had washed that out, there was a red hue to my eyes, and I could say that it's because I've been crying a lot lately, but it's not true, I promise, and I think it's something more, and suddenly I don't want to leave and go home, because this school is the last thing I really have of you, and my first instinct is to reach behind my bureau, and when I do I'm not surprised to find a knife with a bit of blood right on the edge, and the shine of it calms me in a way only you had been able to before then, and I can not live without you…_


End file.
